Dreadful Emotions
by Zoologyke
Summary: Harry's life has never been as wonderful as people think it is. Eventually the loneliness and pain must take its toll, even upon the strongest of minds. Drabbles showing Harry's fragile state of mind after the fifth book
1. Dead Anger

Title: Dreadful Emotions  
Warnings: Angst- lots of angst  
Rating: K  
A/N: This started off as a one-shot, but has now developed since then into two drabbles. They are set after Sirius' death at the end of the fifth book and demonstrate Harry's mindset after that awful event. More drabbles may follow, but these are primarily written as a way to vent of unwanted feelings.

* * *

He thinks he can control me. Tell me the little that he thinks that I need to know then send me on my merry way. It's not until something goes wrong that he feels that he should reveal any more to me.

All the way through this school year I was filled with silent hope. Voldemort may be back, but Sirius was there. The war to come would be terrible, but I knew that my godfather would rescue me from my family. Even if the years to come would be horrific, I could have one enjoyable summer with Sirius at least before it all started.

Well whatever I thought before was wrong. He never told me anything it turns out and Sirius died as a result. If only he told me about the prophecy beforehand; I would not have gone rushing in to the ministry and Sirius would not have had the chance to fall through the veil. I would have waited, planned, and gathered strength and knowledge. I never would have led Sirius into any danger and he certainly would not have died.

I will train because what else can I do now. They all placed me on a pedestal as there hero and now, still a boy, I must fight the ultimate evil. It falls on my shoulders to win a war meant for others, or there will not be a proper world left for anyone else.

How can they do that to a kid, to me? I need to beat Voldemort so that everyone else can live happily, in peace. But there won't be any peace for me, or any happiness. I win and the world carries on turning without anybody for me in it. My friends have their families, but who do I have? My parents were taken from me many years ago and the rest of my family would prefer that I die. All I had was Sirius and thanks to him, my godfather's gone.

So as I stand here and trash his office, I know that I'm justified. He might say that I'm not truly angry with him, but he obviously can't read minds as well as he thinks he can. His emotions did not play any part in this. Instead he played the role of the insane leader, thinking that nobody truly mattered. What's one life when others are at stake? In his opinion we are all pawns, meant to die to win the war. Well, all expect me that is. How can he stand there when everything that has been taken from me is due to his neglect?

Sirius is dead and the only person at fault for this is Dumbledore!


	2. Tears of Dust

Disclaimer: I do not own anything even remotely related to the Harry Potter universe.

Rating: K/G

**Tears of Dust**

They all think that it's easy for me. I've had to deal with it for years now, so it must come naturally to me.

They parade around in front of me, showing off their ever-so-wonderful lives.

Oh, I know that their lives aren't perfect. Nobody's is- for we wouldn't be human if they actually were. Of course, that's where the root of the problem lies.

I'm the only one. It's been prophesied- I'm actually written in a prophecy.

Just because I'm powerful, it doesn't mean I'm not weak. Hurt me and my heart will carry on beating, though I may wish is wasn't. But I'm not a god- I'm only human. Just an ordinary human that been cursed with this sacred duty.

So they can parade around in front of me and I'll seem strong. But that's all it is.

A saviour can't appear weak- be weak.

They'll cuddle and touch- hold hands and kiss- and I'll be strong. I won't feel bad- let them know that my heart's breaking inside- has been for years. They may be my friends, but to them I'm still they're saviour.

Soon my heart will be dust, but I can't show it- let them know I feel it. If I was allowed to cry out my loneliness, would my tears be dust? Would my crumbled heart leak out my body through those crystalline drops?

So no, they're lives may not be perfect- who's could be whilst the war still wages on- while life carries on? But they can touch and they can feel. I'm not allowed. I'm they're saviour, and the saviour isn't allowed to be human; for if he was human he would be weak, just like the rest of them.

So I'll go on putting on this face, wearing this mask. But sometimes I wonder- will I always be alone?

It's not like that in the movies or on the television. The couples argue but they always end up together, or have at least had someone before drifting apart. Even in real life that's the way it goes. You just need to look around the room to know that. The love they all hold for each other shines in their eyes- it always will do even if they break apart. Though my mask never will break, for it's not allowed to.

I'm only human; my heart can only take the strain for so long. I've never had anybody in my life to care for me and to care for in that way. Never have I been able to drift apart from someone because I've never had someone to drift apart from.

What if I never do? Will they be telling stories in the future of the man that never loved? The man whose mask became so permanent it became real?

If I can't feel will I turn to stone? If I can't feel, I can't be normal- even if already I know that I'm not a normal person. But still I wonder. I'm not allowed to feel, so I can't feel. If I can't feel and I'm not a normal person, I'm I actually human at all?


	3. Slashing Annoyance and Guilt

Authors notes: Here is a third drabble for you. It is set after chapter 24 of _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_, so spoilers for that.

Chapter 3- Slashing Annoyance and Guilt  


I didn't mean to do it. Honestly!

The Half-Blood Prince had never led me wrong before. All his annotated potions worked even better than the original recipes; so much so that they won me the Felix Felicius. Floating Ron up from his bed while he was asleep caused no harm to any one. I just wanted to escape from Malfoy. Never would I think to actually cause him harm like that!

After the Polyjuice incident earlier this year I just had to know why Malfoy would be sitting in the abandoned girl's bathroom with Moaning Myrtle. He could have been discussing Death Eater business. Anything to do with Voldemort and his cronies is my business, so I had to eavesdrop to find out exactly what was going on. I knew as soon as Malfoy noticed me that I would need to hex him. How was I to know that the Half-Blood Prince would lead me astray?

It wasn't my fault that it turned out dark. It's not like I planned it, so how dare Snape suggest that I know Dark magic! All I was trying to do was escape from what ever hexes were on Malfoy's lips upon his discovery of me. After the hex I accidentally used on Ron, I thought that Malfoy might trip or something equally non-painful. It said for use on your enemies, but I thought it meant childhood enemies, not war enemies. Anyway, if Malfoy had never tried to cast _Curcio_ on me I would never have tried it. I almost could not believe it when I saw the blood gushing out of him.

Despite all this, why was Snape so interested in my book though? I'm glad that I asked Ron for his potions book before leaving the dormitory. Who knows what Snape would have done to mine if he had gotten his hands on it? It's not like it was the Princes' fault anyway. He never told me to use the spell, or even what it did. For all I know he might have only worked out that you would not use it on people you like, not what it exactly did. It was not his fault and if I can get back the book from the Room of Requirement, then I could use it to make great potions again.

It's not fair that everyone is so adamant about the badness of the Half-Blood Prince. They are all forgetting that without his notes Ron would be dead non due to the poisoning. So it's down to me now to stick up for whoever the Prince is in reality. I'll just have to be more watchful about which of his spells I use. I mean detentions every weekend until the end of the year for use of _Sectumsempra_ is enough. I don't want to try after ones every day after class too because of Snape!


End file.
